Bad Habit
by dramalovesme
Summary: Kurt has a dark secret and he isn't willing to share it with Blaine. Contains self harm cutting and suicidal thoughts. MAY BE TRIGGERING


Kurt looked in the mirror. It was to much. His own face disgusted himself. The way his eyes

fluttered over his look in the mirror, every breath he took was wrong. He was a failure. He never did anything right. He screwed it up, again.

"_I never wanted to hurt you, please! I... I love you, Blaine, I love you!", Kurt almost yelled. His eyes where widened and his face was red, his hands shaking as he watched Blaine leave the choir room. They where alone, trying to rehearse a song for Glee club, when Blaine mentioned last night... And Kurt flipped._

Kurt opened the bathroom cabinet. He hid them here. He knew, his father or Caroline, even Finn, could find them at any time, and yes, he was scared about it, but he never thought about hiding them in his room, maybe he wanted someone to find them. Maybe he needed someone to find them...

His fingers went through some caskets and and boxes until he finally found it, felt it, the cold steel at his fingertips. A demonic smile appeared on his face, his eyes closed for a second, he took a deep breath and pulled out the blade. It was beautiful. It was the only thing that had never left him and therefor, he would always love it. He would always let it be a part of his life. Kurt placed himself on the bathroom floor, on the tiles, because he could clean them up afterwards. He knew he would hurt people, he knew, those people thought it was wrong – but they didn't know how right it felt for him.

_Last night, Blaine and Kurt where at Blaines house, watching Harry and Sally, having dinner, cuddling and making stupid jokes about each other. Everything was like always. It was amazing, it made Kurt feel good and worthy. He loved everything about his boyfriend. He kissed Blaine and held his hands as Blaine moved those hands up and down Kurts back. First, Kurt liked it, he always enjoyed Blaine touching him, he giggled and placed his own hands on Blaines chest. But then, suddenly, Blaine started to get under Kurts shirt, squeezed his butt, went into the kiss with unknown passion. It was weird, because they never actually went that far – and Kurt was happy about it. He wanted to sleep with Blaine, but he could not risk letting Blaine find out about his secret. A secret he could only cover up with clothes. "No, Blaine... Please, just... wait, no, I'm not ready!" Kurt got up and knelt himself down, besides Blaine, with enough space between them. He couldn't look at his boyfriend. "What is it Kurt? Every time I think you might want to go... further, you kind of freak out. Is it me? Don't you... want me?" Kurt was shocked that Blaine could think something like that. He was desperate for Blaine, but he... just couldn't let him see what was beneath the cute shirts and tight jeans. He looked at his boyfriend. "No, Blaine, I really, really, really want you, in every possible way, but... I don't think I can do this. Right now. I need some time." Blaine nodded. "Yes, I... know, but... I just want you so badly." He flushed and started playing around with his fingers. He was just the most adorable thing in the whole world, Kurt thought. He smiled at Blaine, turned around and sat down on his legs, leaned over and kissed his forehead. "I want you, too. And we will have each other, I promise. But not now." Blaine looked at Kurt, biting his lips. "Are you hiding something from me, Kurt?" Kurt was paralyzed. His greatest fear was Blaine finding out. How should he reply to that? He began to shake. What would happen if Blaine found out his boyfriend was a mess, a mentally ill, crazy, freak? He needed Blaine! He was the reason he never went to far, to deep. "No, Blaine, I'm not hiding anything! I just... try to suppress the urge to rip off my clothes and get dirty with you." He laughed, his high pitched voice filled the room, and kissed Blaine. Blaine frowned, he did not return the kiss and Kurt felt awkward as he sat down at the end of the bed, looking at Blaine. "You do hide something. Tell me, Kurt, I want you to be honest. I want to trust you. And I want you to trust me..." Kurt entangled his knees and looked down. "I'm not hiding anything." Blaine said nothing, he didn't want to force Kurt, but he also wanted him to realize that he wanted a honest relationship. "Well... Okay, then I think you should go now. We'll see each other tomorrow. We wanted to rehearse our song, right?" Kurt felt so bad that he got up without saying anything, he got his bag, gave Blaine an awkward kiss and left._

Kurt rolled up his sleeve and placed the blade on his bare skin. It was almost as white as snow and he could see the veins beneath it. It was so tempting to just follow their line, but he knew he couldn't do that to his family. Or Blaine. He couldn't kill myself, no matter how much he wanted it. But he could cut without endanger his own life. He did it for several years now. He became good at it, at hiding, at treating his wounds. And now, he needed to make new ones. He needed to see the blood spilling. He needed to tremble under the pain. He needed to feel alive and be close to death at the same time. He was sick, he knew it, but he didn't care. And then, he moved the blade, he slid his own arm, deeper and deeper, the cut was now several centimeters long and he just couldn't stop, he continued until he reached his lower wrist. He exhaled, watch the blood drip on the tiles, flow over his arm and jeans. It was beautiful. Everything about it was beautiful.


End file.
